Good Enough

So tonight my sweet friends are throwing me a shower…I have mixed feelings.

I love spending time with my friends, I love any reason to celebrate, and I believe that every child should have it’s own welcoming, in some way.

But contrary to my younger years, I do not like being the center of attention. I don’t like people feeling obligated that they need to buy me a present (especially with child #4) and it’s most embarrassing when I have to sit in front of everyone and open those presents.

This week my friends have been asking me what I need…I don’t know what to tell them. I do have needs for this baby, but not exactly the type of trinkets you expect to arrive at a baby shower. I’m horrible at telling people what I need.

Hence the beauty of the Internet. I can type away and pretend no one that is coming reads my blog and I can put this out there…and if you are coming, pretend you didn’t read this, and never mention it to me. It’s much funner to blog in anonymity.

I need my house deep cleaned and organized…(something I would never want people besides family to experience.)

I need a breast pump…(again not exactly something I want the group too purchase.)

I want my husband to finish the loft bed he’s building and I need to reorganize the kids rooms.

I want a rocking chair. One of those big, cushy, Pottery Barn style pick your fabric, fabulous rocking chairs…I’m embarrassed to admit it. It sounds so materialistic to me.

But it’s my FOURTH CHILD! Can I have something that will last? I envision many years to come cuddling on such a chair.

A girl can dream.

I realize I’m sounding SO ungrateful! My two bestest friends are putting themselves out to throw this party for me, which makes me feel even more inadequate. Really I’m looking forward to hanging out with everyone, and I’m honored they would take time out of busy summer scheduling to hang out with me, but I can’t help but be a little nervous for this.

Update: the shower was, of course, lovely. I feel so lucky to have so many loving friends close by. It wasn’t that awkward, and Kathrynmade sure I got the present thing over first which was good because then I wasn’t stressing the whole party.  My friend Kati made so much food (she said she was only cooking for one afternoon but it would have taken me at least 2 days to do what she did.)  I could go on about how fun and sweet and relaxed everyone was, but you knew it was going to be that way didn’t you? Anyway, thanks,  I’m touched and it was so much fun.

I’m realizing that my guilt about bringing another child into the mix, and being stuck home afterwards has caused me to schedule everything I can fit in for my kids in the next three weeks.

Yes, Pony Camp, Swimming Lessons, Berry Picking, Log Shows.

I’m leaving no room or energy to clean my house and prepare for the new one.

Park Day exhausts me.

Driving exhausts me.

Sleeping exhausts me.

And my kids are running out of clean underwear and forks.

What is a girl to do?

I’ve been through it before…leaving a child somewhere for the first time, on their own.

When I took my eldest son to preschool, a mere 3 minutes from home, for a mere 2 hours…I’ll admit I was teary eyed.

Then I sent him on the bus to kindergarten. I hid my tears with sunglasses.

My daughter is 4 1/2 years old. I’ve done a co-op preschool where we rotate friends homes every week…but that’s it. I keep her protectively under my wing. Until today.

Today I drove 30 minutes into the hills and dropped her off at a farm for “Pony Camp.”

Missy has never been a lover of dolls. She’s one of those children who prefers the company of hairier beasts. She’s always been quite at home with animals, and she of course LOVES horses so when I saw the flier I couldn’t resist signing her up. I signed her up that very day and sent in my cash. And then I began to worry…she’s half an hour away, she knows NO ONE, she’ll be gone fore THREE HOURS, what if she gets home sick? What if she’s too shy to communicate?

Still, today I drove her up the long winding gravel roads, made some wrong turns, and finally arrived a few minutes late to Pony Camp. When she saw all the horses she was awestruck. Bianca (owner/operator) assured me she would have a great time and I was welcome to “take off.”  She then proceeded to get Missy in her helmet and lead her to the line of ponies that awaited her.

“I really don’t want to take off,” I felt like saying. “I think I’ll stick around for awhile.” But in true Eve fashion I smiled and said my good-bye and left.

I made the drive home with thoughts of all that could go wrong running through my head YET AGAIN. This time some of the worries included Missy being kicked in the face by a horse, or forgotten and left behind on accident. I also felt like I should have asked Missy if she was comfortable enough for me to leave. I almost turned around and drove back.

And now I’m here counting the minutes until I can go pick up my little girl. 30 minutes and counting people! In my heart of hearts I know she’s just fine. But it sure is painful to cut those apron strings for the first time!

 Update 6/23/08

This is a picture from two November’s ago. I will have fresh updates after Wednesday. My camera needs to be mended. It is not cold enough in Washington to be wearing gloves and a jacket. It is actually a very pleasant low-70’s.

When I picked Missy up, she started crying and said she couldn’t leave her new pony friend “Pretzel.” Typical. Horses over moms. I should have known. 

Names have always fascinated me. When I was young I would keep a journal of the names I liked.

When it comes down to naming my own children the pressure is on. I want my husband to LOVE the name as well, but I don’t care what the world thinks.

What is your opinion on names? Join the discussion over at Seattle Mom Blogs. I’m fascinated to hear what you have to say.

Yesterday we hit a new record here in the Seattle area. It was 10 degrees cooler then it have EVER been in June. 10 degrees.

If you read other Seattle area blogs you might sense a certain desperation in their writing, a longing perhaps. Maybe you can just feel the lack of Vitamin D coming through their words.

There was a snow storm in the mountains, it killed a hiker.

It’s been cold, wet, and POURING every day for what feels like a month…

But just when we thought all hope was lost, the sun came out today.

We walked in it. We smelled the flowers. We watched the bees.

It was beautiful.

But it doesn’t mean I’m ready for another month of rain!

Last night I went out for some much needed ME time with the girls…

Have I mentioned how much I enjoy the local blogging scene? Every time I get together with the ladies from Seattle Mom Blogs I leave impressed. There are just so many fun, intelligent, entertaining moms in my area. I got to sit by Carrie, and across from Carrie, who are totally my peeps and so sweet and supportive. And Mona agreed to be in my future Dance Crew (it’s a whole THING, don’t worry I’ll fill you all in later.)

The group was small, I think there were eight of us from Seattle Mom Blogs that met at the cafe, but it’s nice to be able to talk to different people at each meeting. Thanks to Jenny for planning the shindig.

And thanks for having your husband tivo So You Think You Can Dance so that Kathryn and I could come over and scream like wee girls afterward.

And thanks for letting us stay after watching So You Think You Can Dance till 12:30 and talk about things that our husbands would be intrigued and embarrassed to hear. What’s talked about at Jenny’s house, stays at Jenny’s house…

Two weeks before Mother’s Day my sister took the female children in our family out for a photo shoot. Her husband is a talented photographer, I would give you his info. but then you’d find out who I really am So if your in the Seattle Area and dying for a great photographer contact me and I’ll have him contact you. Here is my favorite…

I love having my sisters nearby, they will all be around for the “birthday” although some prefer to be in the waiting room.

So can you guess which of us is married (hopefully one is a given) which is a college co-ed and which just finished vet-assistant school, which is working on her masters and which are working on novels?

The answers in the next post.

Breakfast: Honey Nut Cheerios

Snack:       Graham Crackers

2nd Snack: Snickers Bar

Lunch: Amy’s Organic Enchilada Meal

Snack: Kettle Chips and Pumpkin Pie with Lots of Whip-cream

2nd Snack: Grapes

Dinner: Stroganoff and Broccoli

Dessert: That is yet to be decided, I enjoy it more when the kids are in bed. I think I’ll go for the Haagen daz Almond and Chocolate dipped Ice Cream Bar.

Happy Eating Everyone! May you enjoy your food as much as I do mine!

I was up last night, silently crying for my brother who’s going through a life changing trial right now.

Although I’m not surprised by the latest family news, it really didn’t make it any easier when I lay my head on the pillow, in the dark silence, with all the thoughts allowed to run wild in my head.

What will happen to my brother. It is him who I worry about most. Will he come home to us? To his family that loves him no matter what and are ready to support him through this dark time in his life? Has it been such a long time away that he forgets we are here? Although he’s not one to talk. None of the men in my family are. It’s very frustrating.

I wish I could have good heart to heart talks with my brothers. My sisters all wear their hearts on their sleeves. There is no guessing involved. 

If my brother was the type to listen, the type to respond to conversation, I would tell him that it’s going to be okay. It’s going to work out. We love him, we’re here for him. Please ask if you need something. Please don’t try to get through this alone.

And I know that it hurts and it will for a long, long time. But don’t let this make you bitter, my brother.

I love you so much. I want happiness for you.

I cry for you, and if you know the women in this family, you know we all do.  

One of the “perks” of this pregnancy. I think it’s a sign I’m having a girl. My body seems to like carrying females better than males.

Males make them droop. Immediately. Within minutes of becoming pregnant.

This became clear with my first pregnancy.

I had always been on the smaller side. Nothing I ever complained about, I was a dancer, a B cup. They were perky.  Sometimes I went without a bra and no one was the wiser. About three months before my wedding they grew a whole cup size. I was very pleased. I was the proud owner of C cups and still they could stand on their own.

My new husband and I had all the eagerness to start a family quickly and 1 and 1/2 months after our wedding the stick said positive. And my lovely girls drooped. IMMEDIATELY. I’m not kidding. It was a sad and weird time for my body. No one warned me that would happen. And after nursing Buster for 9 months they never returned.

Until I became pregnant with Missy. They re-inflated, and were as beautiful as ever. I loved being pregnant with my girl. My skin cleared, I didn’t get the back fat I had with Buster, and the “girls” were fun to have around again. I’m just saying.

Well I don’t have to tell you that Bubba came along and they left again. I thought maybe it was a fluke. We chose not to know the gender of the baby. But he came along and I began to notice the pattern.

All I’m saying is they’re back again. I’ve missed them. I know they won’t be around for long because I only have about 9 weeks left.  

Saying goodbye will be hard.