Good Enough

How to type with one hand.

That my sweat smells weird when I’m nursing…(TMI?)

Showering has become a luxury not easily afforded.

I miss my clothes.

I like to stare at the baby for hours.

I think everyone else likes to stare at my baby.

I should be sleeping instead of staring at the baby.

I can fall asleep anywhere, anytime, and have woken up only due to the kink in my neck.

I miss my other kids.

Life is good…something it’s hard for me to remember when I’m pregnant.

The calm before the storm…

I guess I should have gotten more sleep the evening before, but you know, my last birth had gone so smoothly.

12 hours of labor with a child “sunny side up” and an epidural that was not working correctly and threats of a c-section from an unsympathetic doctor…and I was finally able to glimpse my treasure.

She was so worth it. 7lbs. 2 oz. Love at first sight.

Her brother’s and sister love her too.

So tonight my sweet friends are throwing me a shower…I have mixed feelings.

I love spending time with my friends, I love any reason to celebrate, and I believe that every child should have it’s own welcoming, in some way.

But contrary to my younger years, I do not like being the center of attention. I don’t like people feeling obligated that they need to buy me a present (especially with child #4) and it’s most embarrassing when I have to sit in front of everyone and open those presents.

This week my friends have been asking me what I need…I don’t know what to tell them. I do have needs for this baby, but not exactly the type of trinkets you expect to arrive at a baby shower. I’m horrible at telling people what I need.

Hence the beauty of the Internet. I can type away and pretend no one that is coming reads my blog and I can put this out there…and if you are coming, pretend you didn’t read this, and never mention it to me. It’s much funner to blog in anonymity.

I need my house deep cleaned and organized…(something I would never want people besides family to experience.)

I need a breast pump…(again not exactly something I want the group too purchase.)

I want my husband to finish the loft bed he’s building and I need to reorganize the kids rooms.

I want a rocking chair. One of those big, cushy, Pottery Barn style pick your fabric, fabulous rocking chairs…I’m embarrassed to admit it. It sounds so materialistic to me.

But it’s my FOURTH CHILD! Can I have something that will last? I envision many years to come cuddling on such a chair.

A girl can dream.

I realize I’m sounding SO ungrateful! My two bestest friends are putting themselves out to throw this party for me, which makes me feel even more inadequate. Really I’m looking forward to hanging out with everyone, and I’m honored they would take time out of busy summer scheduling to hang out with me, but I can’t help but be a little nervous for this.

Update: the shower was, of course, lovely. I feel so lucky to have so many loving friends close by. It wasn’t that awkward, and Kathrynmade sure I got the present thing over first which was good because then I wasn’t stressing the whole party.  My friend Kati made so much food (she said she was only cooking for one afternoon but it would have taken me at least 2 days to do what she did.)  I could go on about how fun and sweet and relaxed everyone was, but you knew it was going to be that way didn’t you? Anyway, thanks,  I’m touched and it was so much fun.

It’s Saturday and you left before dawn to let off some steam in the basketball court.

By 9:30 you sauntered through the door and proceeded to make me hash-browns and eggs.

The kitchen was clean by noon today and these hands barely helped at all.

 I sat on my bed folding the laundry you washed then found you downstairs re-organizing the pantry.

I came home from a movie with sister and mom. The garage was clean and you were playing hand-ball with the kids.

There were math worksheets out on the kitchen table. Someone had been helping Buster with his homework.

Gulp.

I’m not sure how I feel about this.

Who is this new man.

What have you done with my husband?

You look the same.

You’re still quite as sweet.

You’ve always worked hard to provide for our family.

You’ve always been the best father I have ever witnessed in my life.

And now there are two loaves of bread going in the bread-makers you dug out of the heap in the garage.

Fresh bread

Organized Pantry

Clean Garage

Freshly washed clothes

My first reaction is to feel embarrassed.

Am I not good enough?

Should I feel guilty?

You never complained about the pantry before.

And then I know I need to let go.

I need to enjoy this.

It is your nature to be kind. Caring.

This is the man I married.

I guess after eight years you are a well oiled machine, you know what I need even when I don’t.

I’m still a little embarrassed.

I’m not very good at this.

How do I say thank you in a way that can really tell you how much it all means to me.

There are no words.

I hope you just know.

How much I love you.