Good Enough

Last night if you peeked into my room on the 19th floor of the W in Chicago you may have noticed that I was there by myself, in front of the television, under the blankets with a chocolate bar on my lap.

If you came back in an hour and a half later you would have witnessed a tearful phone call, followed by another call that made me laugh. You may have pitied me, this sad little figure tucked away in her blankets whilst the busy city nightlife went on without her.

What you would need to understand is this night came after one with only 3 hours of sleep, and the night prior to that held only 5 hours of shut-eye…I was craving the solace of a good movie, which was allotted to me for $11.98 on pay per view. I was craving my children which I needed to shed a tear for in the solitude of my own room. I was enjoying my good cry, I was embracing the fact that I missed my family, and for the LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY I was kind of exhausted from my networking efforts and just decided I had earned my hermit rights for the night.

My first phone call was of course to my beautiful family. They were all at a party. Buster asked me if I was on my way home, and when I replied that I would be home in two more sleeps he said he saw a car he wanted to play with and handed the phone to Missy. Missy told me she was at Carson’s party and well, bye mommy! Bubba could only exclaim “I’m bopping da balloons! I’m bopping da balloons!” My husband texts me pictures of the perfect job he did on Missy’s pigtails. He even put barrettes in the front. He also sent pictures of the Sesame Chicken he made over rice. Oh yeah, and tonight they’re building a bonfire in the back yard. They really would be fine if my plane took an unfortunate dive and crashed over the Midwest on the way home. (sniff sniff) 

My second phone call was to my long lost friend Shana, who’s known me since the beginning of time. I love and miss her but there is nothing like a phone call to an old friend to lift my spirits. I was laughing by the time it was through.

This is not to say that I spend the last three nights hidden away in my room.

I have roommates with whom I would love to start a commune with. The bloggers have been friendly and interesting and the conference has provided great food for my pie-hole. The classes have been informative and diverse. I was forced to ride on a 150 foot Ferris Wheel that moved at 2 miles an hour and at which I closed my eyes and screamed show tune songs the ENTIRE RIDE because I had to distract myself before having a panic attack. It was horrible and I seriously have sworn off all future Ferris Wheel rides. I don’t care who’s begging! Lake Michigan is more beautiful than I could imagine and tonight we danced on the beach and watched the sun set.

Tomorrow my yummy roomies and I shall tour Chicago by water, say our good-bye’s to new acquaintances, and get on the plane to head home.

I have loved this trip. It has filled up my well and given my a fresh slate to once again return to family matters. It’s helped me discover what I want to achieve as a blogger and what I will define as success for myself. I just want to write. I have to say I was put off by all the talk of numbers and search engine strategies, tales of stalkers and trolls…I think the theme of this blog for me should have been “mo blog, mo problems” that’s what I’ve noticed.

I love my little blog.

XOXO everyone. Be back in the Emerald City in no time.

What is Good Enough?

I feel like I stand for the women that leave dishes in the sink on most nights, that don’t vaccuum and dust every week, the women that don’t want to climb the corporate ladder, the women that are happy with where they’re at in life.

I’m not crafty or very organized…I’m not tech savy or an amazing chef. I definately know nothing about how to grow a business and I would never write about what happens in the confines of my closed and locked bedroom door between my husband and I.

What I am is someone that believes and strives for less guilt in my life. I believe as women our greatest downfall is self doubt, and it will never get us what we ultimately want to achieve.

I believe that we need to plan and live for the future, but as a mom of young children I have to constantly remind myself to live every day to the fullest and enjoy the NOW. I don’t want to hold my breath and hope life gets more enjoyable when my kidlets are older.

So for now Ladies and Gentlemen, when you come to my house you may find a dirty kitchen, the laundry may be piled on my bedroom floor, and hand-prints on my windows. Hopefully you will also find a family that loves each other, who love to be together and create adventures for ourselves, and a husband and children who know if mommy is happy, then that’s good enough.

There’s been a lot of chit chat about neighbors lately…it’s a subject that is about as controversial as you’ll see me get.

 We live on a large pice of land that feels like an island. Ours was built in the beginning of time and housing developments sprung up around it. So I can see the back yards of about ten properties from my solitary back porch…

 We moved to this part of town in October. I really had the impression that the neighbors never used their backyards, although there were clues of the backyards seeing better days. In one there is an abandoned children’s fort…in another there is a small plastic basketball hoop. But from October till July I have never seen any living thing so much as set foot into those backyards save one small white dog who is only let out to do his business. Upon finishing he immediately runs back inside.  I started to take it a little personally. We do have the best sledding hill in our yard, so we were out there all winter. No one ever approached us to join in the fun. During the three weeks of nice weather we’ve had this “summer” we bust out a homemade slip-in-slide that goes all the way down the hill.

One night prior to the 4th of July I heard strange noises and music coming from the vicinity of our backyard…as I look over my balcony I came to the strange realization that we really do have nieghbors. They were there, in the flesh, behaving like human beings. Bar-b-queing. having friends over, listening to music. Granted this meant I would have to cover up a little more when I walked outside, if this was going to be a regular summertime occurrence. The next Sunday the people directly behind us were out at 8 am! I was a little shocked as I walked outside to let the dog out in my skivvies! I didn’t know they had children! In this case it seems to be A CHILD. That they only let out once a year, on his birthday, to play a little t-ball. Honestly, that’s the only time he’s been let out! I know! We’re out there rain, snow, or the less frequent shiny day. And the other people with the pre-fourth of July party? We’ve never seen them since that day.

Granted we live in the not-so-sunny Northwest, and this year has been abnormally rainy. When we had a short period of sunbursts I could hear the sounds of families actually using their yards, and playing outside till it got dark, which in these parts is around 10 at night. But that was short lived. The rain has come back and the families have all retreated to their caves. I don’t know how they do it.  I need to be outside…and I’m learning to enjoy the rain. When it rains here in the summer, it’s not cold, so we go and sit on our covered porch and watch the kids playing in the downpours. It’s quite refreshing. 

Here’s the thing…I kind of like it this way. I like that I don’t know my neighbors, that I don’t see them, and that they don’t use their backyards. Maybe I want to be able to walk around sans the clothing? I’m just saying…Then again maybe I’ve been jilted by the experience of living in Town-homes, where we all live so close together…and I kept my blinds closed in the hopes no one would know how I TRULY kept house. In Town-homes, you never know when someone will “drop by” and there is always those children you just don’t want your kids to play with. Since you can’t single them out and look rude, it’s easier not to play with any of the neighborhood children, and just outsource for friends.

That’s my philosophy in all things people. I made a comment on Kathryn’s blog that I can’t choose my neighbors, but I can choose my friends…and what if I unknowingly made friends with a pyscho neighbor lady and then I couldn’t get rid of her? You all know what I’m talking about and have had those experiences.

One of my friends made a comment that “you can never be ‘best friends’ with a neighbor.” I pondered that and asked her why. She replied that the neighbor would see all your comings and goings, and it would be hard to have a get-together without them, as there would be hurt feelings.  I suddenly realized what she was trying to say and wondered if I’d ever been the neighbor that was hard to shake?

After all, I am the friend that will drop by un-anounced on a Sunday afternoon because we were bored (sorry Katie.) I have even walked in on some family parties (yes Jen I’m talking about yours.)  So if I have ever been that kind of neighbor, I apologize. Please put me in my place.

 Neighbors to have their place…in times of emergency I would like to know that my neighbors were kind and ready to help out if something horrible happened. But that’s about where it ends for me. Call me a snob, call me paranoid…I don’t care…I just look at myself as “sadder, yet wiser.”  And anyway, it won’t be long now before we’re in the throws of winter again. (Sad but true.) And every man woman and child will crawl back into their dwelling, and we won’t open the windows again until next July.

Where do you stand with your neighbors?
 

So before I even OPEN this book that is laying on my couch…that half the world is obsessed with, and so I grudgingly admit that I am obsessed as well…as you shall see when MY story unfolds…

We actually had a REAL date tonight. My sweet man turned 30 last week. On his birthday I was puking, along with 2 of our children. He kindly took care of us. So tonight I pleaded with the family to babysit.  We had dinner, a movie, and all night to wait in line for this book.

We went, we ate, we saw a lame movie, and then got in our car and rounded the corner to the book store. We spied the line, we saw the weirdo’s. We decided to try our luck at Safeway. We were about 15 minutes away. We called. They said “we close our doors at 1:00 am” We looked at the cell phone clock…8 minutes. “No problem” said my husband. 

With ninja like reflexes he drove through the heavily wooded forest to the outskirts of town, where the Safeway stood waiting…lights blazing and doors…LOCKED!

“What! IT’s 12:58! 12:58!” I screamed meniacly, pounding on the glass doors. I caught a glimpse of myself in the store monitor. Not pretty. I could see the small town newspaper headline. “Crazed Harry Potter Fan Throws a Fit!” I called the store.

And annoyingly calm voice answered the phone. The very same annoyingly calm voice that told us to hurry because the doors closed promptly at 1am. “You said 1!” I cried, trying to sound as intimidating as possible. “You said to be here before 1 and we were here at 12:58. You closed early.”

“I’m sorry but once the doors close, only the night manager can open them again.”

“Where is the night manager? Let me talk to her.”

“She’s stocking the floor right now. Our tills are closed.”

“I used to work at Safeway. I know she can open the doors. I know she can open the tills.” The bantering went on like this for what seemed like an eternity.

This is what I hear her say in a hushed voice away from the phone…”she’s still outside…she’s very angry.”

“YOU’RE RIGHT I’M ANGRY! THE CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS RIGHT! AND YOU CLOSED EARLY!!”

“We are open at 5am and we have plenty of books.”

“We don’t want them at 5 am…we want them now! It’s my husband’s 30 birthday…we have three little kids at home. We RARELY get a babysitter. We rushed here from the other side of town instead of staying at that book store…waiting in line…with the TRUE fans and all because YOU said you closed at 1am. ”

“I’m really sorry.”

“Yeah, not as sorry as I am. I don’t think I will be able to patronize your establishment again. And I shall slander your name ACROSS the blogosphere to my WHOLE 10 READERS! YOU’LL NEVER WORK IN THIS SMALL TOWN AGAIN.  Of course I’ll shop here only if I REALLY need something. Goodbye! Not even GOOD! Just BYE!”

Boy did I let her have it.

Why do I have a book you’re wondering? Because we drove back up through the dense forrest and saw a light shining through the trees in the form of a Quality Food Center. They welcomed me in with open arms, dried my tears, handed me TWO copies of the book so my sweetie and I wouldn’t fight over them, and directed me to the diapers.

I loved them.

HAPPY READING EVERYBODY!

Ladies and Gentlemen, the time is drawing nye, I know you all are sick are hearing about BlogHer but right now it is haunting my dreams…

I’m beginning to feel that they’re going to smell me out for the poser I am! I do feel like a poser. I’m riding on the coat tails and kindness of Kathryn, who knows the ins and outs of this counter culture.

I’m used to counter culture, I went to school on Capital Hill in Seattle, I married a surfer, I listen to punk rock when I have the occasion. But this world? This world of blogging I know very little about.

“That’s why you’re going!”    I know…I know…but I’m going to have to be social…which is easy for me to do on smaller scales. But I’m out of practice. If everyone would bring their kids then I could start in the traditional way I’ve been getting to know people….

“Oh how old is your daughter? She’s adorable! My daughter is three. Oh isn’t this age interesting?” Blah blah blah…do you see what I’m saying? Have I lost the art of schmoozing in my six years of mommyness? We shall see all too soon.

My room will be linked to seasoned proffesionals such as this and this. They are going to see right through me and my laptop that I hope to borrow from my little sis…(Can I please borrow your laptop Sunshine Girl? I haven’t even asked you yet but I’m kind of desperate.)

And then I can envision myself sitting in some technical class, next to strangers, in this huge room. Every one is typing away on their laptops…and I can’t get in to mine (if I even have one) because I forgot how to, so I pull out…A PAPER NOTEBOOK, AND PEN! Dun dun dunnnn…and everyone turns and looks at me and gasps…then silence, and then (sniff sniff) THEY LAUGH ME OUT OF THE CONFERENCE! WWAAAAAHHHHHH!!! And I run crying to my hotel room and curl up under the covers and hide…

This could soon become reality folks. I’ve never asked much of y’all before but in all seriousness…remember me in your prayers.

I will not be mentioning this subject again as I think I’m beginning to develope an ulcer.

These past few weeks I have been living and breathing for this show!

Wednesday can’t come soon enough and when it’s over I dread the Thursday elimination show.

I’m speaking about So You Think You Can Dance and I say it with this cool hip-hop vibe to my voice. I love this show more than any other reality TV show I’ve encountered! I could blame this on the fact that I was a dancer in my former life, but I don’t think that has anything to do with it. People of all walks of life have fallen in love with this show. I think it’s because there is real talent there. You don’t need to be a dancer to recognize the feelings a good one inspires, and I’m covered in goose pimples when I every time I watch.

12 dancers are left this week…12 extremely talented dancers.

Let me tell you that one of the biggest “wow” indicators to me is how many times I rewind the dance on my DVR. One dance last week I have now seen at least 7 times…but I digress…let’s get down to tonight’s show.

To my surprise and delight the show opened with my favorite couple…Sabra and Dominic…I’ll now pause for dramatic effect. They just do it for me! Every single time! He’s a B-boy, she’s an ex cheerleader turned dancer for the past four years. They make it look so easy and fun, and you want to believe they’re together in real life. That’s how much chemistry they have on stage. Shane Sparks said it in a way only he could…”You take a hot girl, a hot boy, a hot song, and hot choreography, you got a hot show!” They make the show hot. Tonight they pulled the jive. I was a little nervous for them, but like every other week they were adorable and did not disappoint.

Next came Jaimie and Hok. They are not my favorite couple. I can’t deny her skill and grace and beauty on-stage, but she strikes me as an airhead on her candid clips. Hok is another story. He seems like a sweet intelligent guy, but dancing wise, he’s hard for me to watch. I just don’t enjoy him. They performed a Broadway number to Mr. Bojangles…the judges weren’t to favorable in what they had to say. 

Pasha and Sara…Pasha, Pasha, Pasha…every woman I talk to about him swoons. Maybe we can just sense what a terrific dancing partner he would be. He can take Patrick Swayze’s roll on the next Dirty Dancing. To me he’s sexy enough. Sara is an athlete and is so connected with her body, I think she could be any type of athlete she wanted to be. Lucky for us she chose to dance because she is so fun to watch. Their’s was my favorite piece of the night. Mandy Moore choreographed a number to Body Language by Queen. I thought I was watching an 80’s video. I rewound this number a few times.

Neil and Lauren, while they haven’t done anything fantastic I can’t help rooting for them. Maybe it’s because Neil is so darn good looking. Not in a Pasha sort of way, but in a more obvious Brad Pitt All-American type of look. He did blow me away in his hip hop routine, but she didn’t. Maybe it’s their chemistry. I think they’re both talented, they’re just late bloomers. Tonight they had Mia Micheals for they’re choreographer, and in doing so landed the SICKEST song on the show this evening. “Let the drummer kick” by Citizen Cope. I know I’m downloading it off the Internet and I think you should check it out as well. It’s the only song that got my husband off his chair in the office and over to the TV. Yeah, it was that cool. The choreography wasn’t my favorite from Mia, but even at her worst she’s amazing.

I did not want to like Danny and Anya…as cute as she is, and as well as he moves they haven’t connected with me. Tonight they made me smile with their Foxtrot. It was beautiful and fluid, classy and fun. I loved it and thought is was their best number to date.

Lastly, poor Kameron and Lacey did the worst hip-hop number that I have seen so far. Lacey can dance, and so can he but I’m starting to think they started off on to high a note at the beginning of the season. They danced a Mia Micheals number that was mind-blowing! Maybe they had nowhere to go but to slowly start descending to the bottom? The number was good enough that it’s saved them from the bottom three through four shows. I have an inkling they won’t be so lucky tomorrow night.

My predictions for bottom three? Jaimie and Hok…Lacey and Kameron, and because I have to pick a third Neil and Lauren. If I had to pick on to go home from each, I think Hok’s been lucky and had a great run, but I think his luck with the judges is running out. With the girls, it’s really extremely difficult I don’t know if I can even guess? I’ll have to see who can truly dance for their life!
 

The site is coming along…by the end of the day I hope to personalize it even more…
I have to giggle when I say that because whenever I say “I” when it comes to web design, I’m referring to my friend and her smart husband, to whom I owe all of this finagling too. Thanks heaps!

I will be coming to you in the next few days with full bloggy ferver. I’m counting the days till BlogHer (8) where I will meet my bloggy idols…but I’ll try to stay cool and not blubber and make a fool of myself.

The verdict is in, I’m not going to blogspot, I’m going to have my very own dot com…my big brother sells them very cheap over at Chimpwater dot com and he downloaded wordpress onto my site for me. He says by tomorrow I can start messing with it. So that means it may still be a few days to get it looking like I want and then viola! The new me will be here…I’m going through blogging withdrawals right now, but I have more time to read what y’all are writing so that’s been fun.

I received a call from Kathryn (insert her a link to DaringYoungMom site but my site is unable to do that right now….and she said I have an idea for you…let’s switch you over to Blogspot…I laugh because I follow her like a lamb when it comes to technical stuff…I’m so very green and trust that I’m in good hands, she will not lead me astray. I also laugh because Kymburlee (from Temporary? Insanity) and Melissa (Mejojac’s Memo’s) tol me to make the switch a few days ago. I told them I wouldn’t go to the dark side…but my friends, I don’t know what’s happened to this poor humble little site, but the problems seem to be getting worse and it is not enjoyable for me to blog here anymore. This could be my last blog on Wordpress…by tonight I might join the ranks of blogspotters around the world…to Wordpress I will simply say “goodbye, and thanks for the memories!”

My friend up and took off for Tibet…she asked me if I wanted her racing bike…she didn’t want to toss it but she needed to get rid of it. She said giving it to me would be as therepeudic as tossing her wedding ring into the ocean…She’s going through something profound right now. Many of us have experienced the pain of a break-up with a husband/boyfriend/person that you gave your heart to only to be dragged along for and extended amount of time and then watch as they crush that organ under their feet. I was reminded of my own experience as I thought of her.  Are men the same way? Do they need to clean house of all memories? I’ve noticed a pattern in the grieving process, phases, if you will…

Phase 1: Numbness, denial…this isn’t really happening…he’ll realize his mistake and we’ll get back together. I couldn’t help but think of the Violent Fems “I hope you got Fat” if you aren’t familiar, the words are “I hope you got fat cause then you just might want to see me come back.” This is part of phase 1. As women go, we diet, or change our hair, or shop.

Phase 2:Acceptance, kind of…the paperwork is filed and you do all the practical things that mean it’s “over.” Still you blindly hang on to what you can, you want to “stay friends” you hang out or call every once in awhile. Your friends are not aloud to speak ill of the ex…not yet. Because what if by some freak chance you get back together? Then there’d be weirdness. “Time heals all wounds” I don’t know if this is true…time may just lessen the blow.

Phase 3: There is a catalyst in this phase, something to make you realise you were holding out for some sort of closure…some message…but you can’t verbalize what kind of closure you need…and then you receive some kind of blow that takes you out of your stupor. This one hurts like the initial revelation. It happens and you realize they really aren’t good for you. On any level. Are they dating again? Are you dating again? What was the final straw?  And sometimes you need to take all the pictures, poems, love letters…to a pit at the beach and torch them. Maybe he really did love you once and it wasn’t all a lie, but you NEED to throw that ring in the ocean! It feels so good!

Though I haven’t spoken with my dear friend about what made her decide to give up her bike, I can only wonder what happened that helped her reach this decision.  But I’m clapping for her! It’s been a few years since it started to go down, and I hope she finds what she’s looking for in Tibet.

And I’m starting to think metal detectors on the beach aren’t such a nerdy idea.